As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm single because I was born that way.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.