If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.