The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.