Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.