I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.