I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member