Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.