I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.