The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.