If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I'm single because I was born that way.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.