Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.