I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.