Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.