Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.