In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member