When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.