Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.