When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.