I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.