A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!