I'm single because I was born that way.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.