There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.