I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.