I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.