I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.