A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.