Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.