The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.