The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.