Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.