Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?