If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Men are as faithful as their options.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.