If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.