War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?