You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.