Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.