A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.