A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.