Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.