A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.