What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.