Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.