In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I'm single because I was born that way.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.