Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.