No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.