Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.