Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.