Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.