I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.