War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.