I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.