If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?