Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?