An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.