I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Men are as faithful as their options.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments