I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

No good deed goes unpunished.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?