Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.