I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.