Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
No good deed goes unpunished.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.