I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?