May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.