Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.