It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.