If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.