It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.