One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!