When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I'm single because I was born that way.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.