If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
No good deed goes unpunished.