Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.