Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
No good deed goes unpunished.