May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.