I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.