I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.