Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Cynicism is humour in ill health.