There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.