Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.