You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.