I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.