If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.