What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.