You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
No good deed goes unpunished.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?