Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
No good deed goes unpunished.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.