No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.