Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Men are as faithful as their options.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.