Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.