I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.