Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I'm single because I was born that way.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.