I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.