Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.