I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?