My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I'm single because I was born that way.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.