Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.