Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!