What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.