Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.