My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.