I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.