Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.