If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.