You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.