Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.