If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.