To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.