Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.