A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money