By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.