It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?