If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.