Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.