My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.