I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.