I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money