When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.