Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.