If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.