A day without laughter is a day wasted.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
No good deed goes unpunished.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.