The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.