Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.