I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.