Men are as faithful as their options.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.