There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm single because I was born that way.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.