Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.