Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.