If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.