I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.