There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.