A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.