The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.