I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!