What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.