I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.