The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!