That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.