Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.