God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.