I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.