I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.