Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Men are as faithful as their options.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money