The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.