If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.