Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.