Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.