There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Men are as faithful as their options.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!