I will not join any club who will take me as a member
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.