I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.