Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.