I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.