I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.