Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.