If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.