God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps