If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.