Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.