A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.