If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.