Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.