I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.