If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.