The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.