The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.