No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.