Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.