My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.