Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.