I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.