Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.