Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.