Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.