Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.