Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.