In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.