At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.