A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.