That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
