If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.