Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.