I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I'm single because I was born that way.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.