It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.