Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps