Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.