There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.