Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.