You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Men are as faithful as their options.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
No good deed goes unpunished.