May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I'm single because I was born that way.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.