[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!