I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.