Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'