You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.