There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.