I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.