There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Men are as faithful as their options.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.