When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.