It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I'm single because I was born that way.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.