All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

No good deed goes unpunished.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.