Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?