Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.