Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.