If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm single because I was born that way.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.