Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.