I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.