A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.