My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.