A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.