The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!