To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.