When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member