It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Sex is an emotion in motion.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.