You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.