Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.