There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.