[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.