You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.