Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.