Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Men are as faithful as their options.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.