Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.