I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.