I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.