I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.