I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.