I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.