I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.