When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.