I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.