I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.