If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.