Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.