All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.