What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm single because I was born that way.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.