Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.