The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.