I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.