You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.