A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.