Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.