Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.