He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.