I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.