Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.