I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!