Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.