I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.