My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.