Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.