Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.