If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.