Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.