Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

No good deed goes unpunished.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.