If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.