A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.