That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps