He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.