But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member