Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.