May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?