A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.