I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Men are as faithful as their options.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.