Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

No good deed goes unpunished.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.