Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.