Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.