Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.