Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.