When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.