Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.