I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.