What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.