The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.