If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?