I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.