When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.