The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.